For the past few weeks I have been battling what I assumed was just a terrible case of senioritis (and some possible sinusitis); however, a few days ago I realized that perhaps it was a bit more than that. I recently got back on some medicine to deal with a hormonal imbalance, and I don't think it's really kicked in yet. When I'm off of it I constantly battle depression and mood swings. I think that I was going through another phase of that.
I started not wanting to do any of my school work, which came as no surprise to me, but then I started feeling very detached from my life. I wasn't able to connect with my friends anymore, and a new mantra started running through my head: "I want a new life." I knew that was a ridiculous thought, but I couldn't seem to shake it. I had an overwhelming desire to cut everything and leave without finishing school or saying goodbye to anyone. I didn't want to do any activities except run (literally), but because of my knee, I wasn't able to do that.
I was really low. Usually, when I start feeling negative, I try to battle it with positivity; however, it wasn't working this time. I listed things I was grateful for and tried thinking good thoughts. That was less fruitful than toxic waste swamp in a drought. Finally, I just gave up and let myself wallow. I took a friends dog on a walk and just pet him and let myself break down for a while. I even asked one of my friends to holds the unofficial therapist job for our social group and asked for a "therapy session," which we scheduled for the next day.
I usually don't see the point of going and talking to someone about these things, because I know what I need to do in order to help myself, and I am very self-aware. It turns out, what I needed to do was just let myself go and acknowledge what I was going through without trying to fight it. I gave myself the evening to do that, and then I was so over this whole depression thing. I resolved to start exercising again the next morning and do rehab exercises for my knee so that in a few months I can run again.
I woke up with resolve I haven't felt in a while. I needed that low moment so that I had some drive to do what I need to do for my physical and mental health. I don't want to live like that, so I need to do something about it. The new mantra running through my head is "I'm not going to let this beat me." I won't.
I guess what I learned from the whole experience is that wallowing has a time and place; it can be useful if used in very small doses--like how eating Velveeta makes you realize how good real cheese tastes.
As for running away--it's spring break, so I get to spend some time at home with my Mom and sister. I think I needed to get out of Hays.
Glad to be home,