Hey there!

I know it's been a while. Trust me, I have a lot to tell you, but I just don't have the time right now because I have four ten-page papers due August 30th. However, I can't just let my blog sit idle for two weeks, so I decided to have a fun little caption contest on a picture I took. So, dust off your wit and create a caption or story for this photo. I'll post the captions on the next post. Without further ado, here is the picture.

I'm excited to see what you come up with!

Rachel

One of the things I was worried about returning to Hays was going back to the music department at my college. I was treated very poorly by many of the students there, and my self confidence really suffered because of it. I grew so much in Germany, and now I feel comfortable--and sometimes even proud--of who I am, and I did not want that taken away from me. I was afraid that by being around those people again I might regress and become overly critical of myself and others once again.

I don't mean to talk (write) badly about my college, but the music department is kind of a special, dark place that can destroy you if you aren't careful. Not all of the people in the department are like this, but many of the older ones are extremely immature and catty. All music departments are very competitive, because that is just the nature of this field; however, the competitive spirit in this department is not one which drives people to their best, rather they become the worst versions of themselves. Normally competitive people are driven to work harder at their craft because they want to be the best. Let's say someone got the second chair *insert instrument here* position, but they wanted the first chair. In their determination to get the position they covet, they will work their butts off, right? No so here. Here, they would probably work a tiny bit harder, but mostly the person would criticize everything the first chair player does, to the point of becoming very personal. Instead of working to become better, they try to tear the other person down in order to feel better about themselves.

I think Brene hit the nail on the head. She researches human connections and gave two amazing TED talks on the power of vulnerability and listening to shame. The people at the music department know deep down inside that they should be better at what they do, and work harder, but because of their unwillingness to do so, they choose judgement and comparison. They become critics who have not earned the privilege to hold that title.

Brene gave an excellent talk about critics that I found very helpful. Right now I am in a place full of them, so knowing how to handle these people healthily is incredibly important to my mental well-being.

The fact of the matter is, like she said, I know those critics are going to be out there in the audience watching me get my butt handed to me in the arena. However, instead of shutting them out like I had hopes of doing, I'm going to invite them to come and watch me. One thing she said really sums up my feeling to those people I've been fearing to face:

"I see you, I hear you, but I'm going to show up and do this anyway. And I've got a seat for you. And you're welcome to come, but I'm not interested in your feedback."

I'm not going to let the fear of being mocked by them keep me from taking chances and doing things that I want to do. I just have to accept that no matter what I do and how well I do it, they will always criticize me, because that is the only way they know how to behave. They will always be the ones sitting in the cheap seats jeering. I used to think "Oh, if I do well, I'll prove myself to them and shut them up." However, now I realize that I have nothing to prove to them, and that the people who are just looking for reasons to put me down are not the ones I should be putting forth time or effort to please. They are fickle and will never accept me because they cannot truly accept themselves and take responsibility for their actions.

So, if any of those critics are for some godforsaken reason reading this, I see you, and I cannot help but hear you because you are so loud that doors cannot contain your sound, but I've reserved seats for your with lots of cushions and built in seat-warmers, because I want you to get comfortable. I'm going to be in the arena a lot this year, and I refuse to listen to you or compare myself to you, because I am acting on my beliefs, aspirations, and sheer enjoyment. I'm not going to criticize you, because I don't feel the need to spend that energy on you, and I am no longer afraid of what I am. I'm just going to do my own thing.

I'm putting my goggles on and diving in.

Rachel

I finally arrived in Hays with Naomi a little over a week ago. As soon as I walked through the door I felt a sense of relief, as if I had been traveling constantly moving for the last three weeks and I finally had a place to rest. It feels good to be home. I mean, home is where the plaid is, right?

What do I mean? I mean, the people who owned this house before Naomi's parents bought it put in plaid carpet. It's not just a little patch of plaid either--oh no. It covers a giant room, and I do mean giant, which we affectionately call the plaid room. Her mom swore to replace the carpet, but it just never happened. 

When you first walk in and see the room, you can't decide whether to be amused or horrified, and then it grows on you like a parasite sucking away your aesthetic tastes. This carpet is something of a legend; it looks as if Scotland drank a bit too much whiskey and vomited onto the floor, creating plaid worthy of a kilt. After returning, I walked onto the horrendous plaid carpet, did a few front rolls, and I was surprised at how comfortable they were. I think the tackiness of the pattern gives it a little extra cushion. 
 
Naomi and I have done a lot on this plaid carpet: played music, filmed a video, hosted a plaid party, practiced Aikido, and even unicycled on it (okay, Naomi unicycled, I only succeeded in falling). Strangely, at this point I kind of like the plaid, because in my mind it is equated with play. It acts as a safe zone where you can do stupid activities without being judged (and trust me, the Plaid Room has seen its share of stupidity) because the people who decided to install the carpet will always look dumber than you. 

Exhibit A: The Plaid Party.

Then there was the time we had three snow days in a row, which is virtually unheard of for Fort Hays. I wanted us to build a blanket fort, and it just kind of escalated from there...

Then there was my birthday party, which I decided to make a tea party. Oh man was there tasty cake.

It seems that all our creativity starts in the Plaid Room, so when Naomi and I started coming up with ideas for videos and finally decided to try filming one, it was only natural that we should call our youtube channel "Plaid Plain Productions." The videos we produce are just supposed to be for fun--both for us and the viewers--and because we don't really consider it art, it gives us a lot of psychological freedom for creativity. We are currently writing the script(s) for our next project; I'm so excited to start filming it!

Unfortunately, Naomi's parents are trying to sell the house, so soon there will be no more plaid. We want to ask the buyers for a section of the plaid when they inevitably tear it up, so we can make it into a rug. 

Love the plaid carpet or hate it? Let me know.

Back in Plaid,

Rachel

Have you ever noticed that sometimes the busier you are, the more time you seem to have and the more productive you are? There are limits to that of course: if you work sixteen hour shifts all the time (like my mom), then you really don't have time for anything but working, eating, and sleeping. However, I'm talking about the difference between having a schedule where you have to be places at certain times and having no obligations almost everyday. When you have a schedule, you have a finite amount of time to get tasks done, but when you don't, you have the entire day--the entire week--to do those same tasks.

I read a quote by Lucille Ball recently which said "If you want something done, ask a busy person to do it. The more things you do, the more you can do." After a while of having nowhere to be, I have come to appreciate the truth of those words. I tell myself that I will exercise, practice, work on my paper, work on my blog…*looks away sheepishly* everyday; there is nothing stopping me, but I don't. Usually I exercise in the mornings, but lately I have been telling myself that I have all day to do it, and it is better to exercise later in the day so that I can eat a good breakfast and digest it. That turns into "I'll wait until about 2:00, because that is when I have my lowest level of energy, so I need a boost." Which turns into "I'll exercise super hard tomorrow." Thus, the circle of procrastination continues.

I've never been the type of person who is good at forcing myself to do things right away, so having deadlines, however much I hate them, is essential. I've heard it said that procrastinators are often perfectionists, and between the labels "perfectionist" and "lazy", I think it is pretty obvious which word I would rather tattoo on my forehead.

It really is true though, many times I put off doing something because I want it done right, or I am too embarrassed to continue on to the next step because I haven't done something right in the previous one. For example, if I someone gives me six tasks and tells me to email them when I get done with them, oftentimes what happens is I will get done with five of them but for some reason the sixth does not go according to plan. Oftentimes the reason the last task has not gotten done is in some small (or big) way my fault, so in my mind I should not contact that person until I fix it. Otherwise, they will see what a failure/burden/procrastinator/etc. I am. As a result, the problem only gets worse. If you have enough of those situations build up, you just start to feel really crappy about yourself.

So, in the end we all have a choice: continue doing what we are doing and feeling badly about ourselves, or attempting something tiny to change it. I am a big supporter of the latter option and a firm believer that I, for one, can change. Moreover, if I don't like something about myself, I have an obligation my own sense of dignity and happiness to take action. Once you get past that part, the question becomes how.

I know I have a lot of problems and bad habits, and some of them might never go away. However, I guess I can start by getting busy and giving myself a schedule. It's 7:00 am and I've already written a blog post, so I think that is a good start. At least that is one less thing to feel guilty about not doing; now off to the next…and believe me, there are plenty of them right now.

Do any of you have the same problem as me? Do you have any tips/tricks that work for you? Let me know in the comments, because I'm pretty sure that I could use them, and I am probably not the only one.

Gettin'r Done,

Rachel

It seems we spend our lives waiting for the next thing, saying "I can't wait until ____." However, sometimes that anticipation makes the actual moment a bit anti-climactic. After all, our lives are simply a series of events one after another, never ending, and most of the excitement attributed to a situation is derived from our minds. We still remain in our bodies; we still require basic necessities to live; and every moment passes.

I have been anticipating the moment I would see Naomi, my best friend, for months, and it finally happened Wednesday night. However, we both noted that while seeing each other was strange and our voices sound different in real life, it was more of a neutral moment than we expected. There was no swelling of lush background music, no fireworks, no parade rolling down the brick street in front of my house (which I'm sure would have resulted in some angry neighbors waking up)--it was just one more moment in our lives. Yes, it is wonderful to see her again, but the feeling we have together is one of comfort and close companionship, not some sort of euphoria.

Life just keeps flowing, and it seems that our two lives have once more ran together with the smooth calmness of a river. Sure rivers can have rapids--something terrible suddenly happens in your life--and sometimes even waterfalls--like when I moved to Germany and I was suddenly somewhere new--but for the most part, it is relatively calm. Germany felt like an exciting mountain stream and Kansas is that little mountain lake where I finally spill into and just float on my back and stare at the clouds shifting and passing by.

I used to focus on exciting events that were coming my way, but now I realize that they will come whether I want them to or not, so I should not give that future occasion too much thought. By dwelling on it (yes you can dwell on positive things), I am robbing myself of noticing the world around me right now. Additionally, I might be disappointed when the moment comes and does not measure up to the unrealistic grandeur I have given it in my mind.

I read some of Shunryu Suzuki's book, Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind a couple of years ago, and there was a passage that stood out to me. He wrote that when you are zen, life does not hold great excitement or great sorrow, you approach everything calmly and the events just pass by. I didn't like the idea of that at the time, because I couldn't imagine living like that. I had always thought life was inherently a series of trials and triumphs, highs and lows, and I was scared of not have moments of bliss. However, now I understand. Your life does not become boring because of this, and moments don't become any less wonderful, rather it takes away some of the roller coaster ride, and allows you to appreciate even the moments that might seem a bit boring. Biting into a perfectly ripe strawberry, playing a phrase with loose vibrato on my cello, feeling pretty on a random day all become sweeter and something to celebrate. And seeing my best friend again after months has a quiet, calm excitement that allows me to appreciate just sitting on the couch in the flesh--in the same time-zone even--so much more than I used to be able to.

Enjoying having my best friend back,

Rachel